the world is looking brighter today. I feel that familiar feeling of butterflies creeping into my stomach as I ride home in the uber from your house. It’s been good to be around you the last few days and I want to thank you for just being but I bite my tounge because your not into that kind of outspoken love.
Like anyone with bipolar I have highs and lows and I can sense my low is beginning to ware off and I look at the city with different eyes. I have to go back to work today, 3 weeks off, and I’m anxious. I wish I could just lay in my bed and carry on how I’ve been but the thought of that makes me feel guilty so I eat lunch and prepare like I would any other day.
The guilt is sometimes the worst part, everyone keeps telling me ‘take small steps’ so not to dissapoint myself but my mind spins 1000 miles per hour as I think of all the things I should do when I’m wasting my time, clouds over my head. I need to go back to the gym, get training again, get strong. I need to carry on with my music because it’s truly all i have and it’s only my own vicious mind telling me to give up and find a new path in my life. I need to stop pushing away people who care for me and love me just because of my issues with abandonment and fear of loving too hard and being hurt again by the people around me.
i need to remember what I’m worth.
I put people so high on a pedistool And remember I can put myself up there too and I should.
i need to love myself inside and out and speak to myself as if I’m a child whom I love deeply.
I start therapy Friday in London and I’m excited, slightly despondent, but ready. Ready for a new beginning, to stop running city to city and country to country.
you cannot run from the daemons inside of you, only tame them and douse there fires with water and love.
and that is what I shall do, Friday, begin the process of oceans.