red

I’d start from the beginning but if I’m honest I don’t have the time or patience to sit here and type out my long train of debris that I’d trekked through to get to this point. Sitting in my parents living room with a glass of wine that I won’t touch even though I just cracked the second bottle, watching tattoo fixers (what a load of shit) wondering how the fuck I got so fucking lonely.
They call this a major depressive episode, 2 weeks off work I take as I do absolutely nothing but attempt to stifle the nagging voice in the back of my head that tells me that A. I’m running out of time and B. I’m a useless piece of shit with no prospect of love anytime soon. ‘Here we go again’ I think as I feel the weight begins to shift in my body back to the 120kg barbell that I feel pressing on my chest. It seems no matter how strong I get I end up back here.
I’m getting older now and people aren’t as forgiving as they once were, not as understanding maybe. Friends, I hate to burden and lovers I don’t even bother to explain itwith fear I’ll be the crazy sad girl bad girl that I’m sure they think I am anyway due to my self destructive actions.
I made a conscious decision last weekend ‘no more drugs’ I tell myself as I lay in my best friends bed for 2 days wishing the ground would swallow me whole and rip me completely and irrevocably limb from limb, and leave me there just slightly more lifeless than I am now. This is something I’ve told myself before 100 times over probably more but as I get older that comedown doesn’t just last the next 2 days, it seeps over thick and black like tar into my day to day life nagging and breaking me until I finally can’t take it anymore and i shit down back into my safe space of my bed with Netflix and some form of toxic food that will inevitable just make me feel worse than I did before.
But alas I’ve said it now ‘No more drugs woman!’ And this time I think I meant it. The abs and flows of my constant mood swings are hard enough to control as it is without the tedious lack of serotonin and the exhaustion of my body attempting to replace it.
So I’m not sure what to do really. I’ve always enjoyed writing and living within my current crisis of feeling completely and totally alone in this vast crazy world I figured why the duck not just wrote shit shit down and see who else out there feels like this too.
Here comes the journey I guess.

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