Life and anxiety
I was talking to my housemate last night after one of our late gym sessions, sitting on the balcony hyped on endorphins, smoking my cigarettes.
Anxiety hits us all, the world we live in is not the world we were supposed to live in. The pressure we feel everyday with money, jobs, loves, friends isn’t right. Both of us being from Europe we’ve grown up in such a hectic environment its rubbed off on us and we’re literally conditioned to run at 150mph.
I remember going to Glastonbury festival last year, it’s a massive music festival in England with healing fields and Vegan food all over the place, yoga sessions, group healing. It’s beautiful. Honestly I look back on that memory with complete nostalgia and warm fuzzies in my heart. I spent 8 days living in my friends van, eating 2cb and listening to amazing music with a really beautiful friend of mine. By the end of the festival I was drained, completely washed from the drugs but content and so so mellow.
I’m so empathetic it’s like I can feel everyone’s vibes from them a mile away and being in Glasto on the sacred lay lines really amped this up for me. I headed (very reluctantly) back to London after the festival to go home and Jesus was I a mess. I felt the weight of he whole city on my soul, everyone’s worries and angst and all the pain just flooded back into my heart.
I spent a week in London and decided to move to Australia, luckily I got a job out here working for sea Shepard (id been fundraising for Greenpeace back home) and honest to god it was best thing I’ve ever done. I feel like I’m repairing myself, I feel more myself now than I ever did before. All I had to do was move away from everyone and everything I knew and start again, start fresh and learn to love who I was with no expectations from anyone around me.
If you struggle with anxiety/ depression honestly you need to get out there and travel. Live in a hostel, make beautiful friends, live a life without restraint and the restraint will leave you. Never be scared to say yes and just up and leave because, and excuse me for sounding so drake, you do really only live once and you have to make it beautiful and rich and amazing.
Feeling very happy today, bring on the weekend ahead partying with my beautiful friends in a beautiful town
Peace and love
Damn I feel so anxious today. I have this really hardcore feeling of impending doom sitting in the pit of my stomach.
I think my bipolar makes it hard to date me, honestly, I know I shouldn’t think like that about myself but I’m intense. I like affection and reassurance and to be treated how I treat you. If I’m fucking you the likelihood is that I’m not fuck anybody else and I’m probably pretty into you. And yet this weekend this dude I’ve been seeing turns up at the club with some other chick and gets with her right in front of me. Mate. What the fuck is that.
Even the ones who you think are nice are fucking assholes when it comes down to it. Use your fucking mind, if you like me tell me, if your not I to it, tell me. I’m not a fucking child and I think we all deserve honesty. It stops us being unsure and allows us to feel comfort in the fact we’re not falling for someone who has no interest in us beyond sex.
I’m watching everyone around me get into relationships and it happens so easy for them. Then here I am single for 4 years, everybody dropping that ‘but your so pretty! How can you be single?!’ Get out of here. I’m single because the male species are incapable of not being a complete fuck wit. I’m sorry guys it’s not all of you, unfortunately maybe I’m not the best at picking them and probably attract the wrong type of people because of how I dress or what the fuck ever.
Sick of the shit, want to fall back in love, can’t do it.
I was really cold for a while. Deep inside of me I felt this numbness and lack of caring or interest for pretty much everybody. I was fucking around dating a lot of people, drinking too much, taking too much Mandy and partying insanely just to forget.
My mind, my heart and my soul were in 3 different places, but it was okay, I liked it. I liked acting like the guy, not giving a shit, not calling you back, being late and nonchalant. I liked treating people how people treated me for a while and feeling on top of my emotions.
But was I really? No. I’m not that kind of person, I have love in my heart, a lot, that I want to share with someone. Someone to do nice things for and take care of, someone to be my sidekick to go on adventures with.
And now I’m starting to feel again, aligning my life and finding my comfort. My heart and my mind are on the same level and now I want something real.
But we’re the iPhone generation, living too fast, anxiety all over the place. We’re all terrified of each other, getting hurt or even just putting yourself out there. This shit should be easy ‘I like you’ why is that so hard to say? Or so hard to feel?!
I dont know, I’m coming down right now and maybe just feeling needy. Comedown cuddles would be amazing right now, comedown sex would be even better!
Have you ever just not been Into anybody? For a long period of time? And even the people you date, who excite you at first, bore you after a couple days.
I’m not high maintenance, trust me I’m far from it. I’m the weed smoking , beer drinking, DNB loving type of chick that really, honestly, doesn’t give a shit. I’d rather smoke a J on the beach with you than be taken out to dinner (granted we could grab a burrito after to curb the munchies).
But why is it so hard to find a guy that’s into that? Recently I was seeing this guy (and forgive me because the context slips my mind) I said something and he responded despondently with ‘oh I thought you were innocent’
innocent? psssh. Please define this to me.
why is it that a girl can’t be all the things a guy is (minus a raging douchebag) and not still be innocent and a good person. I can drink beer and chill with my guy friends and play with nerf guns and be myself. And yet after we fuck, which I’ll tell you was amazing because I’m a bed deamon, I wonder if he’s wondering why that was so good because he didn’t think I’d act like that.
Infact he seemed disappointed in the fact I’m not a stiff ass piece of wood with the gag reflex of a boulemic.
Fuck them, dating? Tinder? all this bullshit is precisely that. Bullshit. I want to roam free enjoy my shit and the right person will fall into my lap and make the effort.
And honestly it’s fine, every person you date is leading you to the next and them to the next until you figure out enough about ourself and other people to settle and be happy. And I’m pretty sure my future “whatever” will be pretty Pshyched with me.
So here I am at 2:30 in the morning, I’m starting a New job tomorrow, have to be up at 7 and I can’t sleep. This isn’t new to me and in fact recently this is becoming a regular occurrence. I eat well, exercise, try to meditate when I can and yet sleep doesn’t seem to come easy.
I’ve always had anxiety/ depression/ bipolar whatever you wanna call it and it’s times like now, laying awake, that all the old shit seems to creep back into my head. Conversations I had a year ago, the way i responded to someone earlier, how I never fulfilled the things I wanted to fulfil. And I know mentally that right now isn’t the time to think of it, should I really be sat here on my phone? No.
I know nicotine is a problem and yet I just went for a cigarette because I’m restless, I know alcohol is a problem but I drunk a glass of tequila to try and ease the anxiety, and I know drugs are a problem so I’m trying not to smoke a joint before I go to bed.
I’m here wondering when this night will end so I can wake up tomorrow and be fresh and ready. I need a new start in my life, to quit the drugs and drinking and smoking and become who I really want to be instead of numbing it down with all these substances.
Anyway, wish me luck for the sleep tonight and prey I’m not a zombie in the morning.